horseback riding- my story 5.24.17

Horseback riding has always been something I’ve enjoyed. I’ve been thinking about it a lot these past few weeks for a number or reasons.

I stopped riding roughly a year ago due to how the barn I was riding at was affecting my mental health. Here’s how: For maybe six (ish) years, I’ve been riding a few times a week at a small barn, mainly just for pleasure. Before that I had been taking lessons once a week at a different barn, a little farther away. I spent a lot of time in my neighbors field with the two horses that lived there, and I often went to riding camps over the summer.

All of it had been purely for pleasure.

Then I switched barns.

I went from this small barn a few minutes from my house where I knew all the stable hands and horses, to a giant, industrial-sized barn, where I knew no one.

I left my old barn because I thought there was nothing left for my old instructor to teach me. But at this new barn, I was terrified. My so called ‘lesson induced anxiety’ flared up again every time I walked in the door.

You see, remember the first barn I was riding at? The one a little farther away where I rode once a week? The instructor there had been absolutely terrifying.

She was constantly yelling and shouting at everyone, the horses, the stable hands, the riders. It wasn’t a ‘tough-love’ situation, it was just tough. In school, I knew how to deal with strict teachers, because I was a quiet worker, and a good student, but I had no idea what to do here. I wasn’t a flawless rider, I was nine! I couldn’t impress my way onto her good side. I left that barn with a giant fear of instructors and their techniques.

Not even two months after joining this new barn my anxiety and fear flared up again and I refused to go back because I was too scared to fight through it.

It’s been roughly a year since I quit and I miss it more that anything.

I started to miss it twice as much the other day when I was hanging out with my friend, who has horses herself. We rode together for a while but while I grappled with anxiety and other issues, she  was able to get a horse of her own, as well as start competing at a different barn.

I was hanging around her barn with her horse, and the horse that boards there and I realized how much I miss horseback riding and everything about it. Hell, I even miss the smell of the barn- if you ride or have spent a lot of time around horses you know what i’m talking about. That horse smell, a mix of hay, grain, sweat, and though you hate to admit it, probably manure too.

But there’s hope on the horizon for me, your non-binary (ish) dude with crippling social anxiety! I may be getting a horse!

It’s a long story, but pretty much we’d be sharing it with my neighbors, who want another horse because they have two horses right now, but one of them is very old and they don’t want the younger one to be lonely after the older horse dies.

So I hope you enjoyed this story because I enjoyed sharing it with you! I’ll update you more on the horse buying process as we go!

-charlie

genderfluid feelings 5.18.17

So I guess I’ve finally figured out that I can’t make pretty little posts and talk all positively about specific topics.

Starting now, this is going to be less of a stereotypical blog and more of a journal.

Today I had a really bad day. It was full of anxiety, dysphoria and depression.

I wasn’t quite sure why I felt so depressed, because yesterday I had a super good day. I still haven’t figured out the logistics of my anxiety, depression, or dysphoria. All I know is that sometimes I will feel so fucking happy, as if nothing could ever bring me down, and then in a matter of minutes everything can change. I crash, burn and usually start to cry.

Today everything felt hot and sticky and my brain kept buzzing and I felt so disconnected and far away from everything.

Today I wanted to curl up into a little ball and cry.

I just really want this school year to be over.

It hasn’t been a particularly good year for me. I haven’t made very many friends and my mental health has suffered so much.

I’ve dealt with the confusions of trying to figure out my gender and sexuality as well as what it’s like to be gay in an all ‘girls’ school.

I’ve struggled to find my voice and how to use it.

It’s just that sometimes I can’t take life anymore and I want to give up and give in.

PSA: High School is shit.

My anxiety pounds and buzzes, while my depression forces its way in and makes itself comfortable while my dysphoria injects me with needles full of self-hatred.

I don’t know what I am or who I am. For a while I though maybe I was non-binary (hence the FUCKING BLOG NAME) or maybe agender, but now I’m thinking I might be gender-fluid.

Except most people describe their gender-fluidity as something like a compass needle, swinging back and forth between male and female.

Mine’s more like a needle swinging back and forth from non-binary/agender to female. And I wonder if I’m the only person that feels this way.

If you don’t get it, let me explain it this way.

Today I’d gone to school wearing a pretty ‘feminine’ (for lack of a better term) outfit all day, it was a sweater dress, leggings, and converse. Except it was pretty warm out so all day I was feeling hot and sticky and I felt trapped in my outfit. I began to sweat and my cloths began to stick to me and cling to me and there was nothing I could do except suffer through it.

However, at the end of the day today we had an event and I had to get dressed up. I changed out of my uncomfortable sweatshirt into a nice summer dress and some heels. And I felt so much better.

So take that same situation and replace the feminine outfit with a masculine/androgynous one.

The heat and the sweat represent my dysphoria and how I feel.

Does that help? I hope it does.

-Charlie

a message on self care <3

Hi!

So in stark contrast to my previous post, which was kind of depressing, this post is about self care.

Yes, it’s a bit ‘basic’ but too many people neglect themselves on the daily, including myself.

Sometimes I just need to take a break from everything to sit back and look at what I’ve been doing recently. I often realize that I’ve been too hard on myself and that I need to step back and do what makes me happy.

And by what makes me happy I don’t mean watching Netflix in a pile of crumbs and homework papers and falling asleep in my clothes.

I mean taking a hot bath, putting on my favorite pajamas, making myself a cup of tea and then watching netflix.

But obviously you and I can’t do that everyday. So try adding little things to your day that you know will make you happy.

Simple things, like getting up early enough in the morning to make yourself a nice breakfast, or treating myself and buying yourself to a food or drink you love but don’t have that often.

I know that sometimes it’s hard to take a break from your work/school life. So save the bigger things for the weekend and practice small acts of self care during the week.

Try taking fifteen minutes out of your day to step away from all the things in your life that are causing you stress and to care for yourself.

Here are some little things that you can do that all can take less than 15 minutes.

  • take a hot shower
  • go for a short walk
  • watch your favorite youtuber
  • take a nap (SET AN ALARM THOUGH)
  • work on a blog post ;))))
  • draw
  • write

Something that always helps me when I’m feeling shitty is to establish a routine and try and stick to it.

It’s important to establish the difference between self care and procrastination- don’t use self care as an excuse to slack off.

HOWEVER your self-care and mental health does come before school work, no matter what people tell you.

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“So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself”

-Ed Sheeran, Love Myself 🌹

~charlie

this is it (me)

So this is it.

Me.

Hello.

This is weird because these words have always been bouncing around inside my head and they never really went anywhere.

My name is Charlie and I don’t know who I am.

Or what I am.

Or why I am.

I’m a they, a quiet, lonely, they.

Please note the they.

Anyway.

This post probably makes me sound like a huge downer and I swear I’m not- if anything this blog is supposed to help me deal with my negative feelings and become a happier person.

Or something like that.

I don’t know if these will be more like journal entries or actual informative blog posts but I’m going to try and post a few times a week.

I want this to be a space where I can express how I feel. I don’t get that a lot in real life. In real life I am shy, cut off, reserved. I don’t have very many friends. I don’t feel like that many people give a fuck about me or my opinion.

But if you’re on here, it means you must care. At least a little.

You care enough to read this post (and to follow me hopefully).

I swear, I’m a fun person, when I’m not existentially depressed and shit (see I almost made a joke).

I promise, my next post will be about my interests or my life or something like that.

“I need my skull in one piece. Crushing it would be like taking a wrecking ball to some secret museum before anyone ever got to see what’s inside.” -Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You the Sun

 

~Charlie